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This is a decent book for those looking for parental advice. It is highly repetitive so read my article here and save yourself a lot of time! Firstly, here are some points :
(1) Trying to teach your kids a 'lesson' and an insistence on obedience and control tends to damage the bond between parents and child and can create long-term resentment.
(2) A lack of boundary setting and overprotectiveness can create a sense of entitlement from the child and also lead to long-term resentment.
(3) "The family dynamic becomes more fraught when each partner detects 'failings' in their partner's parenting style." (4) "Why do children misbehave? More often than not, it is because they are seeking more attention from us or are trying to gain more control over their lives."
(5) "When we encounter a child misbehaving, it is much easier (and very common) to react with anger and frustration, than it is to stop and wonder : what is my child trying to tell me?" - The angrier we become, the more likely a child is to look for our love through bad behaviour which leads to a vicious cycle of more anger from us. The child may begin displaying signs that they are 'giving up' on a lot of things because of a lack of confidence.
(6) If you start an argument with your spouse in front of your children then you must also resolve it amicably in front of your children so that they learn a useful lesson about conflict!
(7) For a child to feel really confident about their parents love, they need to feel it unconditionally, regardless of whether or not their behaviour fits with how we want it or expect it. Children don't need to be made to feel worse in order to do better.
(8) Children need 'unstructured' playtime (ideally outdoors and technology free).
(9) A child's willingness to share depends on whether they feel that we know how to listen to them - as confiding in a parent has to be an enjoyable experience.
(10) We need to give a minimum of 12 hugs a day to our children to help them thrive. Scientific fact!
(11) Children will often 'tune their parents out' as they get older because they become bored of hearing the same things over and over again. Help them to pay attention.
(12) The more they get used to being issued multiple warnings before we act on them, the less likely they will react the first time we ask. They simply assume (and they are right) that they have plenty of time before the BIG ULTIMATE THREAT is issued. In other words, don't make empty threats! You need to act on the first warning.
(13) Evidence suggests that children who are regularly punished will turn to using lies as a means of avoiding punishment - driving their behaviour 'underground'.
(14) Give children self-responsibility. Coach them to find solutions to their own problems, rather than them expecting problems to be solved by others. We need to let go sometimes so that we can teach our kids to stand on their own two feet and meet the challenges of life.
(15) We advise against using rewards to motivate children towards contributing to family life or improving their behaviour.
(16) Homework. Children need to be taught to do their homework on their own. "I give ideas to children who have already started their homework." or "There seems to be something worrying you about your homework this week. Would you like to have a chat about it before starting?"
It is really important to make children responsible for their homework when they are young, so that it doesn't become a constant battle and source of stress.
"In this family we do work before play."
(17) Siblings squabbling. Arguing is actually a necessary learning experience for it allows them to resolve conflicts and to appreciate values such as sharing things. They could have their own shelves/spaces that are sacred to them that they others may not touch.
Try not to intervene when your kids are fighting (if it's not physical).
If they come whining to you, explain to them that they need to try to resolve things without your help.
If it doesn't work then you have to step in. "This is so sad, I see that you can't play with this toy without fighting, so I am going to have to take it away for a while."
(18) Tantrums. Primary causes of tantrums are tiredness, hunger, lack of activity, or sudden changes of environment. "When you throw yourself on the floor because you want something, it doesn't make me want to give it to you! What do you think would be a better way to ask for something?", or "I buy things for children who ask me without whining or screaming and who are capable of understanding and respecting what NO means!"
Hugging almost always helps reassure and calm down distressed children. Tell your child "I am going to hug you until you calm down because I love you, and I don't want you to hurt yourself or anybody else."
Before a shopping trip you can say this "I am willing to buy you one thing that costs less than 3 euros. If you start asking me for other things, we will have to leave the shop/supermarket and put back the nice stuff we have found."
(19) From the age of 5 you can give your child a small amount of weekly pocket money.
(20) If a child is 'pestering' you and you are busy say "It sounds like you would like to spend some time with me, shall we have a bit of One-on-One Time as soon as I finish what I am doing?" or "When you are whining and attention seeking, I feel frustrated because while I would love to spend time with you I need to finish something urgently. I love you and I will spend time with you in one hour."
(21) Bossiness. "Is this a good way to speak to your Daddy?" or "Do you think I am going to want to give you what you just asked for now that you've used this tone of voice. I listen to children who use a normal tone of voice. Can you think of a better way of asking for it?"
"That bossy way in which you just told me to give you that biscuit just doesn't make me want to share the packet with you right now. Can you think of a better way to ask?"
"Sadly, because of the way you tried to order me around last night I now don't feel like going on a bike ride with you."
"When you are this bossy to me, it is not nice for me to listen to you. Do you have a solution?"
(22) Lying or Fabricating. Say "I feel disappointed when you lie to me, because it makes it very difficult for me and others to trust you. Telling the truth is very important. Were you worried that telling the truth would upset me?"
(23) When your kids are feeling insecure or have had some bad news it is important to reassure them "I can tell you are really upset about something...is there anything that would help the situation."
DO NOT SAY "It probably isn't as bad as you think!"
(24) Taking ages to do something. Children love flexitime! One moment they need to do something absolutely NOW while at others, the same task will take them too long.
(25) SCREENTIME! Screen time is a privilege! And privileges come with responsiblilites.
Children who want to use screens/watch TV need to have finished their homework.
Make sure there are no TV's or Computers or Video Games in bedrooms.
Give a good example - don't use your phone at mealtimes and try to restrict watching TV to an hour a day.
If your kids break the 1 hour a day screentime rule then say "Sadly, since you chose to break the rule about screentime, I am now going to have to take away your screentime privileges for a couple of days."
Delayed consequence :" Since you refused to get off your screen when we visited Grandma, you can't have any screentime tomorrow. Do you have trouble staying off screens?"
"Since you used my phone without my permission, I am going to take away your screentime privileges for today."
POWER STRUGGLES:
Power struggles are a waste of our valuable time with our kids. There are no winners, only losers. You must act to prevent the power struggles from developing in the first place.
TEAMWORK:
In order to become a better team (you and your partner) you need to learn to resist the impulse to intervene when you disagree with our partner in a situation such as when the kids are misbehaving. Doing it will send a message to your child that your mother/father isn't doing a good job. If you feel your partner is struggling, you can ask if you can help, but respect the answer if it is a no. If you are the one struggling, why not just hand over to your partner??
STEP BACK AND LEAVE THE ROOM IF YOU FIND IT HARD NOT TO INTERVENE.
Agree with your partner the core values (manners, tidiness etc.) Don't try to compensate your spouses parenting style (good cop/bad cop).
If your kid says "But Mummy let's me do that!" you should answer "She may do, but I am the one responsible for looking after you right now.
LIMITED CHOICES:
Offering your child the choice of two things that are both productive can be very useful. "Do you want carrots or beans with your chicken?"
"Would you like me to help you go to bed or would you like to go on your own?"
ASKING QUESTIONS:
Useful for preventing power struggles, nagging and reminding.
Rather than telling children what to do, it is better to ask in a normal voice :"What are you supposed to do now?". This is also a better replacement for telling them what they forgot to do.
Replace telling your child what to do if they have done something insufficiently or incorrectly with "What could you do about this?"
POSITIVE REDIRECTION:
'No' is a word best avoided because of it's obviously negative effect on the brain.
If you are planning to disagree with something your child is asking for, rather than saying NO, try to say YES followed by an alternative choice or suggestion either for the present or for the future.
Other examples : Instead of "Stop shouting", use "Please speak quietly."
Instead of "Don't slam the door!" , use "Please close the door gently"
"I won't be giving you a chocolate bar at this time of day, but I can give you an apple."
'I' OR 'MY' STATEMENTS:
For example (it has to be a positive statement)
"I read a story to children who have brushed their teeth, put their pyjamas on and gone to bed on time!". This is much better than telling them there will be no story.
"I'll be happy to give you some ice cream once you have finished your meal."
"I listen to children who speak in the same tone of voice as mine." or "I listen to children who listen to me!" or "In this family we listen to people who speak to each other properly"
"I can see that you really want this toy, would you like to put it on your Birthday Wish List or on your list for Santa Claus?"
"My car leaves in 5 minutes!" - NB Make sure that you mean what you say. If you said 5 minutes then you really have to leave in 5 minutes.
"I would love to play a game with you once you have finished your homework."
"I'll start again as soon as I know you are listening to me." Use instead of "Pay attention!"
GENERALLY : "I take children to the (wherever they want to go) who have done (whatever you want them to do)."
DIFFUSING WHINING AND ARGUING:
Use with children aged 3+ . For younger children, see section about tantrums.
Children will always do what works for them. If they find that nagging, whining and arguing works as a way of getting what they want (even if only rarely), they will repeat this behaviour to try and get something another time. One way to stop this is to avoid becoming angry, frustrated or 'giving in' with these behaviours.
The technique to use is the empathetic one liner : "I know" , "I heard you" , "So sad..." , "What did I say?" , "Ohh..." or "I love you too much to argue." and repeat and repeat until the child stops whining!
PLANNING AHEAD:
Let children know and agree to a plan ahead of an excursion so if they veer from it you can remind them by asking "What was our agreement?"
TAKING A STEP BACK:
Todays parents are pressurised into obsessing about external factors like what is the best school, what extra-curricular activities they should be doing or whether their homework has all been done or not. Spending too much time on such things can prevent parents from focusing on their child's needs.
The first key thing to better understand your childs individuality is by observing them, understanding their temperament and their 'rhythms' and accepting them for who they are.
An excursion, playing a game or cooking together are ways to observe and bond.
ONE-ON-ONE TIME (AKA SPECIAL TIME):
Offer a choice of two or three activities to do together (all of which appeal to you), and ones that you know your child likes. Reading together, cooking, going for a walk, doing a puzzle, playing a game of cards... there are so many possibilities.
PLAYING:
Remember to laugh a lot and share your feelings of joy with your kids and don't be scared of being silly - enjoy the fun of having kids!
Ideas of what to do during playtime:
(a) Swap the screens and go back to games, drawing and painting.
(b) Go outdoors and get involved with nature.
(c) Get crafty - make stuff.
(d) Dress up.
(e) Hold a family disco and dance together.
(f) Have a karaoke session.
(g) Make up stories together.
(h) Play word games.
(i) Plan an adventure.
(j) Play charades.
HUMOUR AND JOY:
It's easy to forget to laugh and to enjoy our time with our kiddies when we are juggling many responsibilities and life dramas.
Family special time spend dancing together, playing games or watching a funny movie is GOLD DUST.
REWIND AND PLAY:
This is a great tool for stopping ourselves in our tracks, when we find that what we have just said or done might negatively affect our relationship with our kids.
Strong reactions from us such as getting angry will put our children into 'fight or flight' mode.
When you feel you're being triggered and catch yourself being mean to your child (or partner!) STOP and say "Rewind" loudly.
Then take the situation back to the point where you went 'off course'.
Start over again using more respect, humour and empathy.
REPAIRING:
This is about forgiveness, learning from mistakes and undoing damaged communications.
It is essential we repair conflict wherever possible. This restores our connection with our children and removes their fear of being punished.
You are allowed to APOLOGISE to your child straight after an incident where you lost your temper, or did something that you regretted.
Sit down with your child once you're both calm and APOLOGISE.
Make sure to tell your child the things that you regret about your behaviour and that this way is not the best way to react to things.
Discuss what you could both do to prevent this kind of thing from happening again.
Remind your child that you love them just as much as ever, regardless of circumstances.
You should repair every conflict and tell your child you love them no matter what.
LEADING BY EXAMPLE:
One of the most effective tools to model empathy and diffuse any situation is to give a hug to your children.
Project calmness, model respect for yourself and others, be kind always.
At the end of each day when you are putting your kids to bed, tell them something about your day and show gratitude for something that has happened. You can ask them to share their happiest moment (or saddest) of their day.
Model joy!
TAKING GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF:
Getting your energy levels up, being happy and teaching by example.
Give yourself some 'me' time. Meditate. Don't 'martyr' yourself as that is not a good role model and you will miss out on the fun parts of being a parent.
Make sure you laugh with or without your kids.
Find a parenting pal. It's amazing how often parents feel alone with a problem only to find many others struggling with the exact same thing.
BEING CONSISTENT:
If we make too many exceptions to the rules we set and we do not enforce the consequences , our child will think that they can get away with it and they will continue displaying the very behaviour that we'd like to change.
Use reminders on your phone to remember all the things that you need to remind your child about, or the delayed consequence that you should not forget to apply.
EMPATHY AND VALIDATION:
When we give empathy to our children and validate their feelings (same for adults!) they feel listened to and understood.
Don't deny your child his feelings or try to save them from that experience.
Do not immediately ask your child "Why are you crying?"
It is better to say, for example, "I can see that you are upset. Would you like to come and read a book with me or play a game?", or "Would a hug make you feel better?"
ACTIVE LISTENING:
When you feel your child has something important to share, listen quietly and attentively.
Repeat back to your child what she is saying or rephrase it.
DO NOT TRY TO FIX THE PROBLEM!
When your child comes back from school, ask specific questions like "What was your best (or worst) moment at school today?" or "What is the one thing you learnt today at school that you really were interested in?"
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION:
Respect Breeds Respect : be as polite to your children as you can possibly be and avoid shouting! Whisper! Whispering usually has very positive effects on kids. For example, instead of shouting across the room to them, get down to their level and whisper.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ENCOURAGEMENT:
Praise descriptively rather than using 'evaluative' praise. Instead of saying "Wow, that is so beautiful" ask your child a question, for example, "How did you do this part?"
LET YOUR CHILD EAVESDROP : Make sure your child overhears you praising to your partner or friend something that your child did. It's a big confidence boost for them.
Encouragement : You don't always need to say something. Sometimes a smile or a hug can be more powerful than words.
SETTING RULES:
Limits help children develop a healthy sense of inhibition, a guide to what is and isn't appropriate, as well as a clarification of what we, and the rest of the world, expect from them.
The most important thing to remember is that we need to set limits in ways that can create cooperation rather than power struggles.
LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES:
When your child makes a poor choice, talk about and focus on that choice, rather than labelling them 'bad' or 'naughty'. Too much punishment will make the child hide their misbehaviour from their parents in the future.
Give empathy first then deliver the consequence : "It's really sad, it seems that you're going to have to stay at home to clean your room rather than going to the park"
"Children who want to eat need to remain seated at the table". The next time your child ups and leaves the table without permission, take their food away.
"I know that you want an ice cream, but the rule in this house is that people who whine cannot get what they are asking for."
Don't give lots of explanations - your child then has a chance to argue back.
TIME-AWAY:
This is a specific tool designed to teach our kids to pause and then redirect their behaviour. IT IS NOT A TOOL FOR KIDS WHO ARE HAVING A TANTRUM.
Time-Away means encouraging a worked-up child to spend time in a 'Time-Away Space' to calm down on their own, in peace and at their own pace. It is not like a naughty step or face the corner type of thing. It should be a space that your child actually enjoys being in! Their bedroom is normally the best place.
Do not use for a child under 2 years of age.
Once a child breaks an important rule, try to be as empathetic as possible but you then must say "It seems like you need a bit of Time-Away....Do you want to go to your room on your own or shall I come with you?"
When the time is over, ask them "Are you ready to join us?" Then give them a hug and welcome them back.
DELAYED CONSEQUENCES:
This rules can be used on any child who can remember a promise (so usually age three and over).
For example. If your kids are misbehaving in the car, do not start threatening them with all sort of potential punishments. Just say "This is a shame....I am going to have to do something about this, but not now..." or "I'm too upset at the moment to decide what the consequence should be for your misbehaviour, so we'll talk about it when I'm calmer".
Then later (It can be up to a week later), say something like "Remember when you wouldn't stop fighting in the back of the car? Well sadly as a result, I'm not going to be able to take you to the amusement park today."
"You remember how I said I would keep the toys I picked up if you didn't tidy your room? Well, it's such a shame, but I had to pick them up and take them away."
"I would love to play with you, but when you screamed at me last night I felt so disrespected and sad that I'm afraid it doesn't make me want to play with you now."
"It's quite sad, but given how you were fighting with your sister earlier, I don't feel like taking you to your friends house."
ENERGY DRAIN:
Tell children who are playing up or being uncooperative "This is giving me an energy drain!" or "This behaviour is draining me of energy." or "Your behaviour is giving me a real energy drain. I am leaving the room now to let you think about how you are going to work at giving me back some of the energy that I have lost." , "All this fighting is giving me an energy drain, how are you going to put energy back into Mummy?"
Later...."Since I had an energy drain earlier I am unfortunately not able to take you to the park right now. How are you planning to recharge my energy so that I will be able to take you out?"
Rechargers could include giving the children household chores or allowing "time-off for parents" (for example leaving them with someone else so that you can recharge." or "Instead of going out you will have to play quietly in your rooms until we are feeling stronger"
(SMALL) MISTAKES AS OPPORTUNITIES FOR LEARNING:
The irony is that by 'rescuing' our children from difficult situations - "Helicopter Parenting" - we often steal from them the chance to learn valuable trial and error lessons offered by making mistakes.
Similarly, criticising children for making mistakes is not constructive. It can lead them to have lasting feelings of being 'bad or inadequate', and they may become frightened of trying something for fear of failure. It may also cause them to lie in an attempt to hide mistakes from others.
DON'T tell your child : "I told you so", or "If you had listened to me this wouldn't have happened." You can tell your child :"You made a mistake. That is OK because that is how we learn! What can we learn from it?"
GENERATING SOLUTIONS:
For example "Do you want to know what some other kids have tried?" or "Do you want some ideas?" If a child says "Yes", give them a menu of at least two possible solutions.
PROBLEM SOLVING (AGE 3+):
This is a serious type of problem we are referring to. One that has been created by the child and is now creating difficulties for us. For example, lying or stealing or being disrespectful.
Initiate the problem solving by doing something simple your child likes such as playing a game, or bring it up at a family meeting. It is important to use this tool a few hours after the problem has arisen.
Identify and define the issue : "When you spoke to me the way you did, I felt disrespected and I felt hurt."
Evaluate solutions and after each option ask "Would that work for you?" .
When you reach an agreement ask your child :"If you forget our agreement and start behaving in the old way, how would you like to be reminded of your new resolution?"
Finish the problem solving by saying "You've agreed to do this and I am sure you will, but just in case you started to misbehave in this way again, even after I'd reminded you of our agreement, what do you think the consequences should be?"
If they commit the 'crime' again then say "When you refuse to do things that we agreed together, it doesn't give me much incentive to do things for you. What can we do to make sure this doesn't happen again?"
FAMILY CONTRIBUTION (AGE 4+):
When young children are encouraged to practice, under supervision, some of lifes basic survival skills (Tidying up, cleaning, cooking, etc) they learn many useful lessons along the way.
CHILDREN WHO BECOME ACCUSTOMED TO DOING FAMILY CHORES FROM AN EARLY AGE ARE FAR MORE LIKELY TO BE SUCCESSFUL IN ADULTHOOD.
Use a family meeting to discuss the importance of everyone helping out.
Have them agree on who will do what.
If they start arguing about who does what, tell them not to worry, as they will be able to swap their chores the following week.
Even younger kids (18 months) can learn to carry their plates from the table and to clean up any spills. Later on (2 years) they can learn to lay the table and after that (3 years) they can make their bed, clean and tidy up.
Family contributions and chores are a very important part of creating better family dynamics and preventing our children from feeling 'entitled'.
WEEKLY FAMILY MEETINGS (4+):
Family meetings create a great opportunity for each family member to communicate and express their needs, and to help find solutions to both their own problems and the rest of the family's. These meetings create a growing sense of family unity and teach children invaluable life skills such as showing gratitude, appreciating others, expressing ones needs, sharing responsibilities and solving problems. Most importantly, everyone is given an opportunity to be heard by all.
How to do family meetings :
Start with compliments and gratitude. Each person takes turns to express something they are grateful about or to give a compliment to another family member.
Go through the agenda
(1) Individual Issues : each family member raises their need or problem
(2) Discussion or Problem Solving of the issues.
(3) Allocation of weekly tasks and chores.
(4) Planning Activities, Excursions and Family Fun.
(5) Play a game together at the end of the meeting and then hugs all round!
EMOTIONAL RESILIANCE:
How to teach your kid to be more patient:
Find opportunities for them to practice waiting. If you are talking to someone else, ask them to put their hand on top of yours, and you can put your hand on top of theirs to show them you are aware that they want to speak with you. Once you've finished your conversation, make sure that you address them, and try to give them your undivided attention - time permitting, so that you reward their patience.
When kids want something, teach them to wait for it, and if they whine, they won't get it this time and will have to wait until next time.
Teach your kids to get used to the frustrating fact that they cannot always get what they want.
If your child is being bullied:
They must stand up for themselves and tell the bully that their behaviour is not OK.
If the bully is using hurtful words, here is some assertive language that can be used :
(1) "Thank you for sharing."
(2) "That's your opinion and you can keep it."
(3) "Really? Thanks!"
(4) "Are you having a bad day?"
Let your child know you care about what they are going through.
Allow your child to share, without being judged.
Redirect your child's attention to something more positive, in order to prevent the strong emotions that can occur when they hear us saying "No" too often.
Allow your child to to take responsibility for their actions and find solutions themselves to lifes challenges.
House Rules:
Define House Rules (acceptable v. unacceptable behaviours to be discussed with all the family).
Express the rule in the Third Person.
Do not use disguised threats.
Try and keep the statement positive.
If your children break the rule, remember that actions speak louder than words and apply a 'Logical Consequence.'
"You seem to have difficulty following the house rules. What do you suggest we do to make sure that you don't break them again in the future?"
THE RULES:
(1) In this house we have a sharing rule, people cannot take anyone elses possessions without their permission.
(2) Fighting (physical), shouting and teasing or being mean are unacceptable in this house.
(3) People who whine or are rude don't get what they are asking for.
(4) We do things for people who listen respectfully to us.
(5) Grown up time begins at 9.30pm which means that children need to go to bed an hour before then if they want a story.
(6) In this family we try very hard not to swear.
(7) In this family we value telling the truth above all else.
(8) At bedtime, children need to put on their pyjamas and brush teeth without being asked! Also, children need to be dressed before breakfast.
(9) The rule in this house is that children can spend 1 hour on screens per day - you can choose between TV, Phone, Computer or iPad.
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