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I was very shocked when this arrived at my house. I spent 10 euros on this book and it's basically little more than a pamphlet! Anyway let's not judge a book by it's cover. Literally! Haha.
EDIT : I have now realised I may have bought the wrong book. There's another book with exactly the same title and description and I've no idea how Amazon could let this happen but they did.
Unfortunately, I was also hoping it would be more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder but it's actually about Borderline Personality Disorder which is a bit different. However, the book does have a couple of nuggets so here they are.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD):
If your partner has it, she will have mood swings. You will be on unstable footing at all times, and have to bend over backwards to prevent complaints or a shift in attitude.
It is a complicated disorder. If influences how a person feels about herself and others. BPD is characterized by strong, unpredictable emotions and relationships as well as insecurity and self-doubt.
The sufferer is readily triggered by minor things.
There is a propensity to indulge in dangerous and impulsive behaviours such as shopping sprees, drinking, drugs, overeating, unsafe sex etc. Persons are also more prone to self-harming.
People with BPD tend to have intense relationships with their loved ones, marked by frequent disagreements, fights, and break-ups.
To be diagnosed with BPD, the person must have five or more of the following symptoms : (1) Efforts to avoid abandonment.
(2) Emotional instability.
(3) Feelings of emptiness.
(4) Identity disturbances.
(5) Impulsive habits.
(6) Inappropriate, excessive anger.
(7) Unstable interpersonal connections.
(8) Suicidal or self-harming behaviour.
(9) Transient paranoid or dissociative symptoms.
(10) History of childhood abuse or trauma.
BPD is NOT bipolar disorder, nor is is narcissistic personality disorder!
How BPD affects Relationships:
There are recurrent sequences of highs and lows in a relationship with someone who has BPD. However, it's crucial to emphasize that they may be loving and sympathetic at times and have other good traits.
The Six phases of borderline personality disorder relationships are:
STAGE 1:
The new relationship seems nice, and it progresses swiftly. There appears to be a mutual willingness to establish a future together.
STAGE 2:
The BPD spouse becomes extremely sensitive to everything their partner does or says. Negative views create anxieties of abandonment and emotions of poor self-worth.
STAGE 3:
The spouse with BPD puts up a circumstance in the relationship that forces the other person to display their love.
STAGE 4:
The spouse without BPD may look calm and pleasant, but at this time, their needs are unlikely to be addressed.
STAGE 5:
The non-BPD spouse generally departs from the relationship at this time. Enough is enough.
STAGE 6:
The BPD spouse may feel despondent and angry and start to suffer major mood swings.
People with BPD crave attention from people around them. They feel envious and behave possessively to gain attention. They want affection and support. They might look cheerful and involved for a moment, and the next minute, they are sobbing or upset.
They have high emotional reactions that might be challenging for spouses to control. They may weep for hours when they are disturbed or grow enraged over apparently trivial annoyances. Non-BPD spouses may feel powerless or despairing to know how to assist the feelings of their partner.
Characteristics of People with BPD:
Here are seven things that people with BPD have said that they want other people to know about their illness:
(1) We're frightened you're going to go, even when things are wonderful. And we despise it too. We will try everything to avoid it from occurring which is why we may be "clingy" or "needy" at times.
(2) It is like walking through life with third-degree emotional wounds; everything is hot and terrible to touch.
(3) Everything is felt more intensely : good, terrible, or otherwise. Our response to such sentiments may appear out of scale, yet it's appropriate in our minds.
(4) "I don't have numerous personalities." I have challenges with how I think about myself and others.
(5) We aren't scary or manipulative...we simply need a bit of additional love.
(6) It's stressful and irritating. And it's incredibly hard to get decent, inexpensive treatment. BPD is not addressed with medicine. It can only be cured with behavioural therapy such as CBT.
(7) We aren't unlovable. We love big. We want our emotions to be reciprocated.
How to Handle Loved Ones with BPD:
Love alone cannot fix BPD. You must assist them to receive therapy while also remembering to find support for yourself as well. There may seem to be an insurmountable barrier standing between you and the person you care about, but if they are willing to get help, it could work. It's worth a try for sure.
Learn about the illness.
Validate their feelings. Rejecting their feelings is not only extremely hurtful to them, it's harmful.
You should offer them validation even if you don't agree with them.
You may say, "I can see you are suffering, it must be dreadful to feel that way," instead of, "There's no reason for you to feel this way." Listen with understanding, compassion, and respect. Validation is so crucial for persons with BPD that it has become one of the most fundamental components of therapy.
People in a relationship with someone who has BPD frequently liken discussions with them to fighting with a little kid. Their fear of abandonment may drive them to overreact to every perceived insult, no matter how tiny, and their hostility can end in spontaneous outbursts of wrath, verbal abuse, or even violence.
They hear words and phrases backward, inside out, sideways, and devoid of context. Try not to leave any room for misunderstanding when you communicate with them.
Communication Tips:
It's crucial to know when it's safe to start a discussion. If your loved one is angry, verbally abusive or making bodily threats, not is not the time to discuss. Better to gently postpone the topic by stating something like "Let's speak later when we're both calm. I want to give you my complete attention but that's very hard for me to accomplish right now."
When things are calmer:
Listen intently and be compassionate. Avoid looking at your phone! You don't have to agree with them to make it obvious you are nevertheless listening and empathetic. Focus on the feelings, not the words.
Try to make them feel heard. Don't point out that they're incorrect or try to win the debate, or discredit their statements, no matter how ridiculous they are.
Do your best to be cool, even when the person with BPD is acting out. Avoid being defensive in the face of accusations and critiques, no matter how unjust you believe they are. Defending yourself will just make your loved one angrier. Walk away if you need to give yourself time and space to calm down.
Encourage them to try calming activities such as making a cup of tea, listening to classical music, painting or gardening. Talk about topics other than BPD. Explore and share hobbies.
Resist the impulse to rescue them from the consequences of their behaviour. IF THEY DAMAGE SOMETHING WHILE FURIOUS, DO NOT STEP IN TO REPAIR IT FOR THEM AND DO NOT BUY A REPLACEMENT!
Allowing them to face natural consequences may help them comprehend that they need assistance.
Set boundaries. Decide what conduct you will and will not accept and make these expectations clear. For example, "If you can't speak to me without yelling abuse at me, I will walk out."
You can also say something like, "I love you and I want our relationship to succeed, but I can't bear the stress generated by your conduct. I need to make this adjustment/boundary for me."
Do not, however, give them a whole list of limits and boundaries all at once. Present them gradually, one at a time.
Do not make threats and ultimatums that you can't follow through with. If you relent and don't enforce the consequences, your loved one will know the boundary is meaningless and the negative behaviour will continue.
IMPORTANT : No one should have to put up with verbal abuse or physical assault. Just because your loved one has a disorder, doesn't make their behaviour any less destructive to you or other family members. You may need to leave the relationship. It doesn't mean you don't love them, but your self-care should always come first.
Do not ignore threats of suicide or self-harm. They may be real. 10% of those with BPD die by suicide and 80% of people who plan to attempt suicide signal their intentions to others, including by talking about it.
Remain with them until they are in the care of a professional. While it is never your fault if a loved one tries suicide or self-harms, it is critically essential to do what you can to keep them safe.
For many persons with BPD, residential mental health treatment facilities provide the creates conditions in which to begin the recovery process.
As the partner of someone with BPD, make it a priority to remain in contact with relatives and friends who make you feel good. You need the support of people who will listen to you, make you feel cared for, and offer reality checks when needed.
Remember, you are allowed (and encouraged) to have a life!
Do not disregard your physical health. Eating well, exercising and sleeping may go by the wayside when you're wrapped up in relationship turmoil.
Remember that you're not accountable for another individual. The sufferer is accountable for their behaviour.
YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT.
YOU CANNOT CURE IT.
YOU CANNOT CONTROL IT.
Conclusion:
Loving someone with BPD can be a difficult journey, but could ultimately be a rewarding one. Always remember that they are more than their illness and , with the right care, recovery is possible. Remind them of their strengths, appreciate their efforts, and make sure they know you support them. Don't lose sight of the potential they hold or underestimate their ability to create a more emotionally harmonious, stable, and joyful life.
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