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Brilliant little book! The agreements really resonate with me and I am happy to share more information about them here.
Before we were born the humans before us created a big outside dream that we will call "society's dream" or "the dream of the planet."
The outside dream uses Mummy and Daddy, schools and religion to teach us how to "dream."
We have learned how to "behave" in society : what to believe and what not to believe; what is acceptable and what is not acceptable; what is good and what is bad; what is beautiful and what is ugly; what is right and what is wrong.
When you were at school you sat in a little chair and put your attention on what the teacher was teaching you. When you went to church, you put your attention on what the priest was telling you. It is the same dynamic with Mummy and Daddy, brothers and sisters : They were all trying to hook your attention.
The "outside dream" hooks our attention and teaches us what to believe, beginning with the language that we speak. Language is the code for understanding and communication between humans.
It was not your choice to speak English. You didn't choose your religion or your moral values - they were already there before you were born. We never had the opportunity to choose what to believe or what not to believe. We never chose even the smallest of these agreements. We didn't even choose our own name.
We also learn to judge. We judge ourselves, we judge other people, judge the neighbours.
Children are domesticated the same way that we domesticate a dog, a cat, or any other animal. We are so well trained that we are our own domesticator. We can now domesticate ourselves according to the same belief system of punishment and reward. We punish ourselves when we don't follow the rules according to our belief system; we reward ourselves when we are the "good boy" or "good girl".
We start pretending to be what we are not out of fear of not being good enough, just to please others. We try to please Mummy and Daddy, we try to please the teachers at school, we try to please the church, and so we start acting. We pretend to be what we are not because we are afraid of being rejected. Eventually we become someone that we are not. We become a copy of our parent's beliefs, society's beliefs and religions' beliefs.
The belief system is like a "Book of Law" that rules our mind. Every time we do something that goes against the Book of Law, the "Judge" says we are guilty, we need to be punished, we should be ashamed. This happens many times a day, day after day, for all the years of our lives.
Whatever goes against the Book of Law will make you feel a funny sensation in your solar plexus, and it's called fear.
Even if the Book of Law is wrong, it makes you feel safe.
True justice is paying only once for each mistake. True injustice is paying many times for each mistake.
We have a powerful memory. We make a mistake, we judge ourselves, we find ourselves guilty, and we punish ourselves. But every time we remember, we judge ourselves again, we are guilty again, and we punish ourselves over and over. If we have a wife, she also reminds us of the mistake, so we can judge ourselves again, punish ourselves again, and find ourselves guilty again. Is this fair? How many times do we make our spouse, our children, or our parents pay for the same mistake?
95% of the beliefs we have stored in our minds are nothing but lies, and we suffer because we believe all these lies.
In the "dream of the planet" it is normal for humans to suffer, to live in fear, and to create emotional dramas.
Throughout the world we see human suffering, anger, revenge, addictions, violence in the street, and tremendous injustice.
If we compare the "dream of human society" with the description of hell that religions all around the world have propagated, we find they are exactly the same! We are already in HELL.
However it is possible to enjoy a pleasant dream! All of humanity is searching for truth, justice and beauty. We keep searching and searching, BUT : It is already within us!
We don't see the truth because we are blind. We have the need to be right and to make others wrong.
Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people's demands.
We especially try to please the ones who love us, like Mummy and Daddy, older brothers and sisters, the priest and the teacher. But we are never going to be perfect this way. Never!
We know we are not what we believe we are supposed to be and so we feel false, frustrated, and dishonest. We try to hide ourselves, and we pretend to be what we are not. We wear social masks.
We judge others according to our image of perfection, and naturally they fall short of our expectations.
If we make a mistake in front of people, we try to deny the mistake and cover it up.
PRELUDE TO A NEW DREAM
There are thousands of agreements you have made with yourself, with other people, with your dream of life, with God, with society, with your parents, with your spouse and with your children. But the most important agreements are the ones you made with yourself. In these agreements you tell yourself who you are, what you feel, what you believe, and how to behave. The result is what you call your personality. In these agreements you say, "This is what I am. This is what I believe. I can do certain things, and some things I cannot do. This is reality, that is fantasy; this is possible, that is impossible."
But, if you want to live a life of joy and fulfillment, you have to find the courage to BREAK those agreements that are fear-based and claim your personal power.
So in this book there are four new agreements, that if you should adopt them, they will create enough personal power for you to change the entire system of your old agreements.
You need a very strong will in order to adopt The Four Agreements - but if you can begin to live your life with these agreements, the transformation in your life will be amazing. you will see the drama of hell disappear right before your very eyes. Instead of living in a dream of hell (drama and suffering), you will be creating a new dream - your personal dream of heaven.
THE FIRST AGREEMENT
BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD (WITHOUT SIN)
When you are impeccable, you take responsibility for your actions, but you do not judge or blame yourself. Self-rejection is the biggest sin that you commit.
We have learned to lie as a habit of our communication with others and more importantly with ourselves.
When we hear an opinion (that's only really one point of view) and believe it, we make an agreement, and it becomes part of our belief system. (Rightly or wrongly). ONLY THE TRUTH WILL SET US FREE.
Looking at everyday human interactions, imagine how many times we cast spells on each other with our word. Over time this interaction has become the worst form of black magic, and we call it gossip.
Gossip is black magic at its very worst because it is pure poison.
Gossiping has become the main form of communication in human society.
One little piece of misinformation can break down communication between people, causing every person it touches to become infected and contagious to others.
Remember when you were angry with Jennylyn. In order to seek revenge you said something to or about her with the intention of spreading poison and making her feel bad about herself.
As we grow older we become much more calculated in our efforts to bring other people down. Then we lie to ourselves and say that person received a just punishment for their wrongdoing.
Consider even the times you have gossiped about the person you love the most to gain the support of others for your point of view and make your opinion right.
However your opinion is nothing but your point of view. It is not necessarily true.
Your opinion comes from your beliefs, your own ego. We create all this poison and spread it to others just so we can feel right about our own point of view.
If we become impeccable with our word, any emotional poison will eventually be cleaned from our mind and from our communication in our personal relationships, including with our pet dog and car.
Be impeccable with your word. Use the word in the correct way. Use the word to share your love.
Tell yourself (affirmations) how wonderful you are, how great you are. Tell yourself how much you love yourself. Use the word to break all those teeny, tiny agreements that make you suffer.
Tell yourself, not the world, otherwise it's just egoic attention seeking.
THE SECOND AGREEMENT
DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
If I see you on the street and I say, "Hey, you are so stupid," without knowing you, it's not about you (even if you did something silly); it's about me.
If you take it personally then perhaps you believe you are stupid! Maybe you think to yourself, "How does he know? Is he clairvoyant, or can everybody see how stupid I am?"
As soon as you agree with what was said, the poison goes through you and you are trapped by what we call personal importance.
Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about "me."
But nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.
EVEN WHEN A SITUATION SEEMS SO PERSONAL, EVEN IF OTHERS INSULT YOU DIRECTLY, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! IT'S EMOTIONAL GARBAGE.
What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds. They are on their own journey. Their point of view comes from all the programming they received during domestication. Remember this!
Taking things personally makes you easy prey for predators. You eat all their emotional garbage, and now it becomes your garbage. But if you do not take it personally you become immune.
When you take things personally, then you feel offended, and your reaction is to defend your beliefs and create conflicts! You make something big out of something so little, because you have the need to be right and make everybody else wrong.
You should neither take it personally when people say, "Edward, you are the best" or when they say , "Edward, you are the worst." When people are happy they will say you are an angel, and when they are mad they will say you are a devil. Either way, you are what you are, and those words don't change a thing.
You might say to someone "What you are saying is hurting me." But it is not what they are saying that is hurting you" It is that you have wounds that they touched. You are hurting yourself.
If you get mad at them, it means you are dealing with yourself. You get mad because you are afraid, because you are dealing with fear. If you are not afraid, there is no way you will get mad at someone or hate them or be jealous or sad.
Whatever people do, feel, think, or say, don't take it personally.
It is not necessary to believe other people who tell you that you are wonderful.
Don't take ANYTHING personally. Even if someone shoots you in the head! It was nothing personal.
Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true! Therefore, you don't need to take whatever you hear in your own mind personally. We have a choice whether or not to believe the voices we hear within our own minds.
Don't take anything personally, because by taking things personally, you set yourself up to suffer for nothing.
If you have the need to be abused, you will find it easy to be abused by others. Likewise, if you are with people who need to suffer, something in you makes you abuse them.
You have to trust yourself and choose to believe or not to believe what someone says to you. If others are lying to you, it is ok. They are lying to you because they are afraid. They are afraid you will discover that they are not perfect. It is painful to take that social mask off.
If someone is not treating you with love and respect (Jenny), it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with her.
When you don't take anything personally, you avoid many upsets in your life. Your anger, jealousy and envy will disappear, and even your sadness will simply disappear if you don't take things personally. Like your back pain and prostatitis. Don't take it personally and then you won't be sad.
The whole world can gossip about you, and if you don't take it personally you are immune. Someone can intentionally send emotional poison (Jenny), and if you don't take it personally, you will not eat it. When you don't take the emotional poison, it becomes even worse in the sender, but not in you.
WRITE THIS AGREEMENT ON PAPER, AND PUT IT ON YOUR FRIDHE TO REMIND YOU ALL THE TIME : DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY.
You will only need to trust yourself to make responsible choices. When you truly understand this and refuse to take things personally, you can hardly be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others.
If you keep this agreement, you can travel around the world with your heart completely open and nobody can hurt you. You can say, "I love you," to anyone without fear of being rejected.
You can say yes, or you can say no - whatever you choose - without guilt or self-judgment.
THE THIRD AGREEMENT
DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Sounds easy right? But it is difficult to do. By the way, as with all the agreements in this book, it will take much practice and repetition until the eventually become second nature.
We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking - we take it personally - then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word (gossiping). We create a whole big drama for nothing.
All the sadness and drama you have lived in your life was rooted in making assumptions and taking things personally.
Because we are afraid to ask for clarification, we make assumptions. It is always better to ask questions than to make an assumption, because assumptions set us up for suffering.
We only see what we want to see, and hear what we want to hear.
When someone smiles at you in the supermarket you start making assumptions and even create a whole fantasy. You believe," Oh ,this person really likes me." In your mind a whole relationship begins from that. Maybe you even get married in this fantasyland. But the fantasy is in your mind, in your personal dream.
Often we make the assumption that our partners know what we think and that we don't have to say what we want. Maybe one day you come home from work and your wife is mad. She doesn't tell you what she wants, she makes an assumption that you know her so well, that you can read her mind. She gets so upset because you fail to meet her expectations. Making assumptions in relationships leads to a lot of fights, a lot of difficulties, a lot of misunderstandings with people we supposedly love.
We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. This is the biggest assumption that humans make. And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others. Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us, abuse us, and blame us as we do ourselves. So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves. That is the way the human mind works.
Often when you go into a relationship with someone you like, you have to justify why you like that person. You only see what you want to see and you deny there are things you don't like about that person. You lie to yourself just to make yourself right. Then you make assumptions, and one of the assumptions is "My love will change that person." But this is not true! Your love will not change anybody. If others change, it's because they want to change, not because you can change them.
Then eventually something happens between the two of you, and you get hurt.
Suddenly you see what you didn't want to see before, only now it is amplified by emotional poison. Now you have to justify your emotional pain and you blame them for your choices.
We don't need to justify love; it is there or not there. Real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them. If we try to change them, this means we don't really like them.
THIS IS IMPORTANT !!! If they need changing, then why are you with them in the first place? Don't take second best. You must choose someone who is already behaving the way you want.
If you decide to live with someone, it is always better to do that with someone who is exactly the way you want him or her to be. Find someone who you don't have to change at all! It is much easier to find someone who is already the way you want him ot her to be, instead of trying to change a person. Can't you see that is madness !? ALSO : That person must love you just the way you are, so he or she doesn't have to change you at all. If other feel they have to change you, that means they don't really love you just the way you are. So why be with someone if you're not the way she wants you to be?
We have to be what we are, so we don't have to present a false image. If you love me the way I am, "OK, take me." If you don't love me the way I am, "OK, bye bye. Find someone else." It may sound harsh, but this kind of communication means the personal agreements (see publication on boundaries) we make with others are clear and impeccable.
The way to keep yourself from making assumptions is to ask questions. Make sure the communication is clear. If you don't understand, ask. Have the courage to ask questions until you are clear as you can be, and even then do not assume you know all there is to know about a given situation.
Everybody has the right to tell you no or yes, and you always have the right to ask.
Without making assumptions, your word becomes impeccable.
"This is what I want, this is what you want." If we communicate in this way, or word becomes impeccable. If all humans could communicate in this way, with impeccability of the word, there would be no wars, no violence, no misunderstandings.
THE FOURTH AGREEMENT
ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Everything is always alive and changing all the time, so your best will sometimes be high quality, and other times it will not be as good.
For example, your best will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick, or sober as opposed to drunk.
As you build the habit of the four new agreements, your best will become better than it used to be.
It doesn't matter if you are sick or tired, if you always do your best there is no way you can judge yourself.
When you always do your best, you take action, and it is the action that will make you happy.
If you take action because you have to, then there is no way you are going to do your best.
Do your best just for the sheer pleasure of doing it.
Action is about living fully. Inaction is sitting in front of the television for years because you are afraid to be alive and to take the risk of expressing what you are.
Taking a (cold) shower is a ritual, and with that action you tell your body that you are taking care of it. You feel and enjoy the water on your body. Honour and respect your body and everything will change for you.
Let go of the past so you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now. If you live in a past dream, you don't enjoy what is happening right now because you will always wish it to be different than it is. You are only half alive which leads to self-pity, suffering and tears.
By doing your best, the habits of misusing your word, taking things personally, and making assumption (the other three agreements) will become weaker and less frequent with time.
THE FIFTH AGREEMENT
BE SKEPTICAL, BUT LEARN TO LISTEN
"Imagine that you are in a gigantic mall where there are hundreds of movie theaters. You look around to see what’s playing, and you notice a movie that has your name. Amazing! You go inside the theater, and it’s empty except for one person. Very quietly, trying not to interrupt, you sit behind that person, who doesn’t even notice you; all that person’s attention is on the movie.
You look at the screen, and what a big surprise! You recognize every character in the movie — your mother, your father, your brothers and sisters, your beloved, your children, your friends. Then you see the main character of the movie, and it’s you! You are the star of the movie and it’s the story of you. And that person in front of you, well, it’s also you, watching yourself act in the movie. Of course, the main character is just the way you believe you are, and so are all the secondary characters because you know the story of you. After a while, you feel a little overwhelmed by everything you just witnessed, and you decide to go to another theater.
In this theater there is also just one person watching a movie, and she doesn’t even notice when you sit beside her. You start watching the movie, and you recognize all the characters, but now you’re just a secondary character. This is the story of your mother’s life, and she is the one who is watching the movie with all her attention. Then you realize that your mother is not the same person who was in your movie. The way she projects herself is completely different in her movie. It’s the way your mother wants everyone to perceive her. You know that it’s not authentic. She’s just acting. But then you begin to realize that it’s the way she perceives herself, and it’s kind of a shock.
Then you notice that the character who has your face is not the same person who was in your movie. You say to yourself, “Ah, this isn’t me,” but now you can see how your mother perceives you, what she believes about you, and it’s far from what you believe about yourself. Then you see the character of your father, the way your mother perceives him, and it’s not at all the way you perceive him. It’s completely distorted, and so is her perception of all the other characters. You see the way your mother perceives your beloved, and you even get a little upset with your mom. “How dare she!” You stand up and get out of there.
You go to the next theater, and it’s the story of your beloved. Now you can see the way your beloved perceives you, and the character is completely different from the one who was in your movie and the one who was in your mother’s movie. You can see the way your beloved perceives your children, your family, your friends. You can see the way your beloved wants to project him- or herself, and it’s not the way you perceive your beloved at all. Then you decide to leave that movie, and go to your children’s movie. You see the way your children see you, the way they see Grandpa, Grandma, and you can hardly believe it. Then you watch the movies of your brothers and sisters, of your friends, and you find out that everybody is distorting all the characters in their movie.
After seeing all these movies, you decide to return to the first theater to see your own movie once again. You look at yourself acting in your movie, but you no longer believe anything you’re watching; you no longer believe your own story because you can see that it’s just a story. Now you know that all the acting you did your whole life was really for nothing because nobody perceives you the way you want to be perceived. You can see that all the drama that happens in your movie isn’t really noticed by anybody around you. It’s obvious that everybody’s attention is focused on their own movie. They don’t even notice when you’re sitting right beside them in their theater! The actors have all their attention on their story, and that is the only reality they live in. Their attention is so hooked by their own creation that they don’t even notice their own presence — the one who is observing their movie."
IF YOU FAIL WITH ANY OF THE AGREEMENTS DO NOT JUDGE YOURSELF AND BECOME A VICTIM. BE TOUGH AND STAND UP AND MAKE THE AGREEMENT AGAIN:
"OK, I broke my agreement to be impeccable with my word. I will start again. I am going to keep to The Four Agreements just for today. Today I will be impeccable with my word, I will not take anything personally, I will not make any assumptions, and I am going to do my best."
If you break an agreement, begin again tomorrow. Every day is a chance to begin again. It will be difficult to keep to the four agreements at first, but each day will get easier until one day you realise you are ruling your life with these Four Agreements, and you will be surprised at the transformation.
THE PATH TO FREEDOM
BREAKING OLD AGREEMENTS
What is freedom? We say we live in a free country but are we really free to be who we are? True freedom has to do with the human spirit.
Who stops us from being free? We blame the government, the bad weather, God. But it is ourselves who really stop us from being free. Why can't we just be ourselves?
If we see a child who is two or three or even four years old, we find a free human. Why is this human free? Because this human does whatever he or she wants to do! This human is completely wild and usually has a big smile on their face. They don't worry about the past of the future, they just live in the present moment.
They are not afraid to love at all. So why are we not wild?
Don't blame your parents for teaching you to be like them. What else could they teach you but what they know?
The REAL YOU is still a little child who never grew up. Sometimes that little child comes out when you are having fun or playing, when you feel happy, when you are expressing your artistic side, or doing those activities that you love. These are the happiest moments of your life - when the real you comes out, when you don't care about the past or future. You are childlike. But you are not a child. It's up to you now to choose what to believe and what not to believe. Be wild and free but with a difference. You can be free, but simply with wisdom instead of innocence. It's equally good.
But there is something that changes all that : RESPONSIBILITIES. Our Judge says "You have to work, you have to earn a living." So our faces change and become serious.
If you watch children when they are pretending to be adults, you will see their little faces change. "Let's pretend I am a doctor," and right away their faces change and the serious adult face takes over.
If we look at our lives we will see that most of the time we do things just to please others, just to be accepted by others, rather than living our lives to please ourselves. That is where our freedom has gone. Out of every 1,000 people, 999 are completely domesticated. And that means they are sick.
The worst part is that most of us are not even aware that we are not free!
Every time we face one of our fears we are a little more free.
However, there is no reason to endure this. You can become aware and say "This is enough!"
You can change your life anytime if you aren't enjoying the dream. As Alan Watts said "You have no responsibility to be the same person you were 5 minutes ago."
If you have the awareness that the whole drama of your life is the result of what you believe, and what you believe is not real, then you can begin to change it and begin the transformation.
We are addicted to being the way we are. We are addicted to anger, jealousy and self-pity. We are addicted to the beliefs that tell us, "I'm not good enough. I am not intelligent enough. Why even try? Other people will do it because they're better than me."
Every day we wake with a certain amount of mental, emotional, and physical energy that we spend throughout the day. If we allow our emotions to deplete our energy, we have no energy to change or lives or to give to others.
The way you see the world will depend upon the emotions you are feeling.
When you are angry, everything around you is wrong! You blame everything including the weather. You wonder why it's so cold, why it's so windy, why doesn't it stop raining, why it's so hot, why it's so humid. nothing pleases you!
When you are sad, everything around you is sad and makes you cry. You see the trees and you feel sad; you see the rain everything looks so sad.
We must forgive those who have wronged us, not because they particularly deserve to be forgiven, but because we love ourselves so much we don't want to keep paying for the injustice. We move on. Forgiveness is how we heal. Once you forgive, the self-rejection in your mind is over.
You will know you have forgiven someone when you see them and you have zero emotional reaction. You might hear their name and and you will have zero emotional reaction. When you feel nothing, no more hurt, then and only then will you have truly forgiven.
EMBRACING THE ANGEL OF DEATH
We have the idea that we have many years to left to live. But do we? What if one day you find out that you have just a week to live? One is to feel sorry for yourself. The other choice is to use every moment to be happy and do the things you enjoy the most.
We will say something like, "I am going to be myself. No longer am I going to run my life trying to please other people. No longer am I going to be afraid of what they think of me. What do I care what others think if I am going to die in one week?"
The angel of death can teach us to live every day as if its the last week of our lives, as if there may be no tomorrow. We can begin each day by saying, "I am awake. I see the sun. I am going to give gratitude to the sun and to everything and everyone because I am still alive. Today, I will be myself."
"I will treat people I love with love because this may be the last day I have with them. I don't know if I will see them again, so I won't start an argument." You don't need reciprocation, the important thing is to tell your loved ones how much you love them. You can say "I love you" with no shame or justification.
The same goes the other way : What if you have a big fight with someone you love and then they suddenly die the next day without having reconciled? Oops!
THE NEW DREAM : HEAVEN ON EARTH
Just use your imagination and a tremendous thing will happen. Imagine that you have the ability to see the world with different eyes, whenever you choose. Each time you open your eyes, you see the world around you in a different way.
What you will see is love coming out of the trees, love coming out of the sky, love coming out of the light.
I want you to see yourself living a new live, a new dream, a life where you don't need to justify your existence and you are free to be who you really are.
Imagine living your life without the fear of being judged by others. You no longer rule your behaviour according to what others think about you. You are no longer responsible for anyone's opinion. You have to need to control anyone, and no one controls you either.
The only reason you still suffer is because you choose to suffer. Suffering feels safer because you know it so well. Happiness is a choice, and so is suffering.
When we fulfill the need of the human body, it gives us pleasure. To breathe gives us pleasure. Just to breathe is enough for us to be always happy and enjoy life. Just to be alive is enough. Feel the pleasure to be alive, the pleasure of the feeling of love....
A prayer: "Help us to love the way you love, with no conditions, no expectations, no obligations, without any judgment. Help us to love others just the way they are with no conditions. Help us to accept them the way they are, without judgment, because if we judge them, we find them guilty, we blame them, and we have the need to punish them."
"If you truly love someone you have to be willing to let them go and be free to go where they please. Let them do their own thing or be with someone else for a while. You do not own anyone."
Joel - Too Hot Too Handle.
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