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How to deal with Avoidance Issues

Writer's picture: Wander VisionWander Vision

Updated: Nov 12, 2021

I am affected by this, or rather this is something I practice. And it's not helping me. So this post will be some research that I collected on the subject to try and help me reduce my avoidance and increase my confidence.


Firstly, we should say that it is normal for humans to seek pleasure and avoid pain.

We are talking more about unhealthy avoidance such as avoiding difficult emotions.


There are five types of avoidance:


(1) Situational Avoidance

If a patient habitually avoids social activities, or leaves a job every time there is someone there he doesn’t like, the client is using situational avoidance. When an individual avoids locations that make them feel nervous and

other types of activities.


(2) Cognitive Avoidance

Cognitive avoidance is about avoiding internal events such as unpleasant or distressing thoughts or memories. With this type of avoidance, people usually take actions to suppress or reject the experience of certain kinds of thoughts that feel unpleasant or overwhelming. Strategies to avoid unwanted internal events may involve consciously telling oneself not to think about something, or taking action to numb out to the unwelcome thoughts. Cognitive avoidance can also show up as worry and rumination.

You might handle your anxiety about the future and various risks in your life by constantly worrying about what might happen, running various scenarios over and over in your mind in the hope that constant vigilance will somehow prevent anything bad from happening.


(3) Protective Avoidance

Protective avoidance is the use of excessive safety behaviours that might include checking, cleaning, over preparing, or perfectionism. Clients who present with symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder and eating disorders often utilize protective avoidance strategies.


(4) Somatic Avoidance

Anyone who has ever experienced anxiety knows that it is typically a combination of mental and physical symptoms. Tightness in the chest, shallow breathing, increased heart rate and sweaty palms may all show up along with distressing thoughts when a person feels anxious. Other emotional challenges like depression, anger, grief, and heartbreak also come with noticeable somatic symptoms.

With somatic avoidance, you try not to experience internal sensations associated with emotional distress, such as feeling hot, being out of breath, or getting fatigued or exhausted. You might even avoid normally pleasant sensations, such as sexual arousal or excitement about an upcoming event, because they feel similar to being anxious.


(5) Substitution Avoidance

Substitution avoidance is essentially trying to replace one feeling with another. A person might replace grief with anger, or another emotion that feels more tolerable for her at the time. Numbing out is also a form of substitution avoidance. For instance, patients who are unable to cope with difficult emotions might binge on food, substances, sex, pornography, shopping, or gambling as a way to distract. Guilty.


AVOIDANCE ONLY INCREASES ANXIETY:

People with anxiety/panic attacks often take on avoidance behaviours to sidestep fearful thoughts, feelings of dread, and overall anxiety-related symptoms.

As a person dealing with panic and anxiety, you may already be familiar with acting out of avoidance. These behaviours can have a negative impact on many aspects of your life, including your career, relationships, and personal interests or hobbies. You may find yourself avoiding job opportunities, social events, and even friendships in an attempt to keep your anxiety at bay.


Effects of Avoidance Behaviours:

Aside from restricting your life, avoidance behaviours often have the opposite effect than what is desired. While in the short run you may experience a temporary sense of relief, in the long run, avoidance actually leads to increased anxiety.

When avoiding places, people, and events, one is really trying to escape feelings of anxiety. However, every time the individual escapes these anxiety-inducing thoughts and feelings, they are actually reinforcing them.


They are sending the message to themselves that the world is a dangerous place. In the end, they may become increasingly afraid of more and more stimuli, allowing for the ​cycle of anxiety to intensify.

People who live with avoidance are often depriving themselves of many experiences, adventures, and connections. Panic-related avoidance behaviours may be preventing you from living your life to the fullest. If you exhibit some anxiety-related avoidance behaviours, there are some things you can do to address the issue :


(1) Recognize avoidance behaviours:

In order to change any maladaptive behaviour, you must first start becoming aware of when it’s occurring. At the end of each day, stop and reflect on how you engaged in avoidance behaviours throughout your day. Write down any that stand out. You may have noticed how you did this in small ways. For example, perhaps you stayed away from a co-worker because you felt anxious about talking with him.


Once you start to consistently track your actions, you may be surprised to find out that you are participating in more avoidance behaviours than you previously thought.


You may also notice big ways in which you engaged in avoidance, such as taking a different route to work to avoid highway driving because it makes you feel anxious. Only by making an effort to notice these actions will you be ready to change them.


(2) Finding Trust and Support:

The key to overcoming avoidance behaviours is to continue to slowly face what you are avoiding until it no longer has such a grip on you. Of course, doing so is far easier said than done. That is why it is recommended that you don’t face previously avoided situations alone, but rather engage in them with a trusted friend or family member by your side.


Let your friend know that the situation you are stepping into is usually a source of anxiety. Have a backup plan ready should things go sideways. If you're attending a large social event that you would normally avoid, talk beforehand about what you’ll need if you feel uncomfortable.


Prepare your loved one to give you space if you should want a few minutes alone to manage your anxiety. Perhaps you will forewarn her that you will need to leave if symptoms become unmanageable. Regardless of your plan, make sure your loved one is aware of it so that she will know what to expect should your anxiety arise.

It is important to note that you never should rely on one person to buffer your feelings of anxiety at all times. By doing so, you may accidentally create a shift in avoidance where you become overly dependent on this person.

Eventually, you will want to step into the previous avoidances alone. Your loved one may still be supporting you from a distance, but it is only when you move forward alone that you can truly overcome your avoidance behaviours.

(3) Develop Anxiety Coping Skills:

Your avoidance behaviours revolve around not wanting to experience anxiety or other symptoms of panic disorder. The most effective way to get past this fear is to learn techniques that will help you control your symptoms. Coping skills can help you keep your anxiety in check and may even assist in managing your panic attacks.


Such skills can be learned through the help of a therapist or on your own by using self-help books. Some common strategies to aid in coping with anxiety include: CBT, Deep Breathing and Progressive Muscle Relaxation.


(4) Getting Help for Avoidance Behaviour: Not everyone with panic disorder exhibits avoidance behaviour, but many will find that these issues put excessive restrictions on their lives. If you are finding that your avoidance behaviours are unmanageable and out-of-control, it may be time to seek professional help.


Getting professional help with your symptoms is by no means a failure on your part. In fact, many people with panic disorder have found that they recover quicker through treatment.


STRATEGIES FOR AVOIDING PROCRASTINATION:

We’ve all experienced the nagging dread and anxiety that accompanies procrastination. Procrastination (avoiding specific tasks) and avoidance (a more general pattern) can also cause problems in relationships, especially if you make a habit of avoiding things or you routinely ask others to do things for you.


For anyone who feels like they’re getting in their own way, there’s a very high chance that avoidance is a big part of the problem. Avoidance creates stress, increases anxiety about whatever you’re avoiding, and sucks away at your self-confidence. Like perfectionism, avoidance creates a Catch-22. Having an avoidant coping style is self-sabotaging and can prevent you from overcoming self-sabotage. For example, a family member recently told me she avoids making to-do lists because she knows they work extremely well for getting her started on avoided tasks, and it feels easier to stay stuck. We all have things we feel overwhelmed by. Therefore, everyone needs a personal toolkit of strategies for breaking through procrastination and avoidance. Here are some things you might want to try if you have the tendency to put off doing things that you really need to tackle.


(1) WRITE A TO-DO LIST FOR EACH CURRENT PROJECT, RATHER THAN PUTTING ALL YOUR TASKS ON A DAILY TO-DO LIST:

When you use a daily to-do list and circumstances hijack your day, it’s demoralizing to keep moving items over to your next day’s list. By writing all the actions you need to take for a particular project on a list just for that project, you can work through your tasks as you have time.


Project specific to-do lists also help you use scraps of time effectively. For example, if you have a spare five to 10 minutes, and there is a five-to-10-minute job on your list, you can quickly see that option. Save your daily to-do list for things that truly need to be done that day. For example, if tomorrow is trash pick-up day, then make sure that your list includes “take out the trash.”


(2) DECIDE NOT TO DO AN ITEM THAT HAS BEEN HANGING AROUND ON YOUR TO-DO LIST:

The strategy of removing undone items from your to-do list gets back to the issue of prioritizing. For example, one of my hobbies is accumulating (and spending) miles and points for travel. There are a huge number of deals for earning extra miles that come along. It’s overwhelming to try and participate in all of them. It also has a big opportunity cost–because chasing small deals gets in the way of doing much more productive activities.

Yes, it can be difficult to decide not to do something that has some value-but isn’t a priority. However, it’s empowering and can give you the confidence boost you need to get unstuck with what is a priority. Decide to permanently not do something that’s on your to-do list. Identify a task that doesn’t have a great Return On Investment (ROI) and banish it from your to-do list forever.


(3) GET A BOOST BY BOOSTING SOMEONE ELSE:

When people express positive emotions, they feel more positive emotions. For example, when you express enthusiastic happiness for a colleague or family member who has experienced a recent success, you get a boost, too. Why is this a strategy for overcoming avoidance? “Negative” emotions signal danger, whereas positive emotions signal safety. When we feel safer and the world seems like a kind and hospitable place, we’re more likely to explore. We’re wired this way through evolution. Exploring is the opposite of avoidance, and exactly what we’re aiming for.


4. PRETEND YOU’RE GOING TO OUTSOURCE THE AVOIDED TASK AND WRITE DIRECTIONS:

If you’re avoiding a task, imagine that you’ve assigned it to another person. Write instructions that contain enough detail for someone else to successfully complete the task. How does this strategy overcome avoidance? There are a few different ways this works. Here are four:

  1. Imagining someone else doing the steps of a task can make you realize you’re capable of those steps.

  2. Thinking through outsourcing can help you get the psychological distance you need to break free of avoidance.

  3. You may have more reasonable expectations of others than of yourself. When you design a task for someone else, you may naturally make it easier and, consequently, less likely to trigger your avoidance.

  4. Planning out the steps involved in a task takes cognitive effort. Once you’ve done that work, the rest of the task may seem much more achievable and not worthy of avoidance.

5. CLEAR THE DECKS:

Clearing the decks is one of my personal favorite strategies. If you’ve been avoiding a task for a while and it’s really important, try completely clearing your day. Make a deal with yourself that once you’ve done the action you’ve been putting off, the rest of the day is yours to do whatever you feel like.


Note that I don’t necessarily mean you’d spend 10 hours watching Netflix. You could do that, or you could do whatever productive work or personal tasks you felt like doing, and treat yourself to doing those tasks at a relaxed pace. I recommend trying this strategy for when you have an extremely important job you keep putting off–like signing up for health insurance. You’re never suddenly going to enjoy this task, so you might as well get it done and give yourself a reward afterwards.


CONFLICT AVOIDANCE:


Conflict avoidance is a type of people-pleasing behaviour that typically arises from a deep rooted fear of upsetting others.

Many of these tendencies can be traced back to growing up in an environment that was dismissive or hypercritical.

People who respond to conflict this way often expect negative outcomes and find it difficult to trust the other person’s reaction.

In other words, asserting your opinion can seem scary or unnerving.

You prefer to be seen as the “nice person” at work, for example, or may shy away from open, healthy conflict so as not to rock the boat.

In a relationship, this can look like going silent on a partner, changing the subject, or enduring uncomfortable situations instead of expressing issues openly.

Here are more examples of how this may manifest:

  • stonewalling, or denying an issue exists by ignoring it

  • fear of disappointing others

  • deliberately sidestepping conversations

  • silently resenting unresolved issues

When you avoid the slightest disagreement, you’re compromising your true feelings and storing up frustration that can end up negatively affecting your health.

One study found that bottling up our emotions can increase the risk of premature death, including death from cancer.

Laughing nervously or plastering a fake smile on our face instead of acknowledging distressing emotions can also lead to feelings of loneliness and depression.

Being conflict avoidant also impacts our relationships because we’re cutting off all honest communication with the other person.

While avoidance sometimes seems like the best way to deal with conflict, in the long run it ends up harming our intimacy. STRATEGIES FOR OVERCOMING CONFLICT AVOIDANCE:

(1) Reframe Confrontation Disagreeing with someone doesn’t necessarily mean “fighting.” Keep in mind that it’s not about blaming the other person or proving who’s right and wrong in a given situation.

Conflict resolution is about standing up for yourself and communicating when you feel angry or frustrated.

It’s also about ensuring that problematic issues (like the one with your co-worker) are dealt with so they don’t happen again in the future.

(2) Make a Plan

Having a plan set before confronting someone can help you feel more prepared in the moment.

Rehearse concise points you’d like to get across to a boss or colleague so you’ll feel confident when addressing them.

Clearly define what you’d like to resolve before the confrontation and write down canned, factual responses to use when needed (“I worked late for the past 2 weeks while my co-worker didn’t turn in their share of the research”).

(3) Use your Senses to Quickly Relieve Stress

Stay centred in a distressing situation by focusing and drawing upon your sensory toolbox: sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell.

This will allow you to remain relaxed and in control of yourself during tense moments.

If you’re a visual person, for example, you can relieve stress by closing your eyes and imagining soothing images.

Similarly, if you’re more comforted by smells, you can keep an essential oil on hand to take a quick whiff of when you’re feeling anxious.


(4) Recognize and Manage your Feelings


Being aware of how your emotions impact you can help you gain a greater understanding of yourself and others. Before confronting someone, try examining and questioning your feelings.

Instead of trying to sedate emotions like anger, sadness, or fear, try looking at them through the lens of self-compassion, and allowing yourself to see your negative thoughts with empathy.

You can try practicing the following affirmations:

  • “It’s OK to feel however I’m feeling at this moment — my emotions are valid.”

  • “I am worthy and deserving of being heard.”

  • “All of my experiences (good and bad) give me the space to grow.”

(5) Resolve Issues in Real Time:

Rather than endlessly ruminate and allow conflicts to fester in your head, try taking a more assertive approach.

You can start by stating the issue non-emotionally and using fact-based sentences like, “It appears I worked very hard on this project and yet my name was left out of the presentation.”

Avoid being accusatory or defensive when approaching the co-worker who took all the credit for your work.

Instead, say “I’d appreciate it if, going forward, we use both our names on the project and include each other on all emails to our supervisor.”

DISASSOCIATION

Disassociation is an avoidance coping strategy, and not a good one. When you feel it coming, fight back!

Here are some very useful ways around it :

(1) LITERALLY GROUND YOURSELF

Take off your shoes and stand on the ground. Focus on the sensation. Tactile sensations help us ro refocus.

(2) COUNT DIFFERENT COLOURED THINGS IN THE ROOM

Look around your room and count 5 red things, 5 blue things, etc. Being aware of your surroundings helps.

(3) STIMULATE YOUR SENSES

Chew some gum, spray some of your favourite perfume, carry a rough rock and feel it's surfaces.

(4) RUN THROUGH YOUR SENSES

What do you see, hear, smell , taste and feel right now? Connect your brain to your surroundings.

(5) COLD THERAPY

Shock yourself into awareness by holding some ice cubes or splashing your face with cold water.

CONCLUSION:

Some form of conflict is a normal part of our personal and professional lives.

While it’s OK to never be completely comfortable with confrontation, being able to resolve issues effectively means accepting it as a healthy part of communicating with others.

Remember that disagreeing provides deeper understanding and makes it easier to connect with our friends, partners, and co-workers.

Learning how to confront someone assertively won’t happen overnight. But you can still take small steps each day toward feeling more comfortable facing your fears and speaking up for yourself.



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