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I have suffered from "phone phobia" for my whole life and I don't even know why! I just get nervous on the phone, worried I might not understand what the other person is saying, or worried that they may not understand what I am saying.
Telephobia has been around well before the advent of smartphones. George Dudley and Shannon Goodson wrote The Psychology of Sales Call Reluctance in 1986. In his 1929 autobiography, British poet and writer Robert Graves writes about developing a deep fear of using the telephone after suffering an injury while serving in the First World War.
Do you ever need to make a phone call and silently hope that whoever you’re calling doesn’t answer? If yes, you might be suffering from phone anxiety.
Whether you’re worrying about what you’ll say or how your voice sounds, phone anxiety is related to fear. In this case, the fear of making a phone call.
Some of us automatically answer when our phone rings — others get sweaty palms at the thought.
People who have phone anxiety typically suffer from social anxiety disorder (SAD) or general anxiety disorder (GAD), but anyone can be nervous about phone calls. If you're concerned that phone calls cause you anxiety, examine your symptoms first.
That might sound funny in an age when our phones are always with us. We use technology for everything, especially since the COVID-19 pandemic started. In this new era, phone anxiety might hinder your ability to navigate your day-to-day life.
But there’s no need to fret. Like any other fear, it’s possible to get over phone anxiety. With these tips, you’ll be able to identify and overcome your phone phobia before you know it.
You may be more comfortable in direct social interactions, perhaps due to the fact that face-to-face settings allows you to be able to read non-verbal cues, like facial expressions.
Talking on the phone can be daunting because we're limited to just the sounds of our voices. In the absence of all other social cues – including gestures, body language and eye contact – we can often feel self-conscious of the sound of our own voices and our choice of words.
Some people opt for texting because it gives them time to think about the wording of their messages, providing the opportunity to be informal. You can plan out what you want to say or delete a message before sending it. You can be informal or formal. You could even become a more confident version of yourself, more willing to share your opinion since the other party can’t see your face. This can be a boon to people who are very sensitive or have social anxiety.
In some cases, they develop a different personality separate and in contrast to their real-life, more reticent, self.
Research also suggests phone anxiety is related to a preoccupation with what the other person thinks of them. By eliminating the immediate reaction of others in spoken conversations, text messaging may offer those with phone anxiety a way of making social contact without the fear of rejection or disapproval.
Pauses can feel extremely uncomfortable too. In person, you can see when someone is distracted or thinking but on the phone brief silences can feel awkward. We’re also becoming accustomed to being able to review emails, texts and social media posts before hitting the send button, so a phone conversation can feel impulsive and risky.
One of the most effective ways to overcome phone anxiety is to expose yourself to more phone calls. The more you do it, the less overwhelming it becomes. It’s also likely that your phone anxiety is linked to a lack of experience. The more practice you have, the less anxious and more confident you’ll feel.
You can start this process by making a list of the people you need to speak to on the phone, such as friends or colleagues, and go through each one by reflecting on what it is about the call that makes you anxious. For example, it might be making a mistake or feeling judged. When the call is over, acknowledging your success will help you stay motivated for the next call.
If you’ve tried to combat your phone anxiety or you think you might benefit from seeking professional help, counselling is a great option and there are a number of talking therapies available. Cognitive behavioural therapy is a very effective treatment for social anxiety, and there’s an online option that might be a suitable alternative if you feel a bit nervous about speaking to someone in person.
Where does phone anxiety come from?
Phone anxiety can come from many different places. You could feel self-conscious about your voice or uncomfortable about not being able to read the other person’s body language.
When we talk on the phone, we’re relying solely on our voices. We can't incorporate nonverbal cues, which strips us of a vital aspect of communication. This disconnect automatically disadvantages us and makes some people very uncomfortable.
We hear feedback immediately based on the person’s tone when making a phone call. We can hear if they pause and experience their instant reaction.
Some common emotional symptoms of phone anxiety include:
• You avoid making calls or having others call you
• You delay answering calls
• You obsess about what you’ll say before the call and what was said when it’s over
• You worry about embarrassing yourself
Some common emotional symptoms of phone anxiety include:
• You avoid making calls or having others call you
• You delay answering calls
• You obsess about what you’ll say before the call and what was said when it’s over
• You worry about embarrassing yourself
Physical symptoms can arise as well:
• Increased heart rate and shortness of breath
• Nausea
• Shaking
• Trouble concentrating
More Symptoms of Phone Anxiety
Symptoms of phone call anxiety can include:
• Feeling extremely anxious before and after talking on the phone
• Delaying making calls or completely avoiding them due to feelings of nervousness
• Worrying about bothering the other person
• Worrying about what you’ll say or about embarrassing yourself
• Obsessing about everything that was said after the call
• Shaking while on the phone
• Sweaty palms
• Feeling nauseous during the call
• Feeling like your heart is racing
• Trouble concentrating during calls
Experiencing some of the minor symptoms such as feeling anxious before making a call or worrying about bothering the other person is normal. But if you’re experiencing multiple symptoms and you find yourself avoiding calls and unable to answer the phone, it can seriously affect your job.
You aren’t alone if you experience any of these symptoms. A lot of people struggle with different forms of anxiety. Don’t be afraid to consult a professional if you need extra help dealing with this.
A dedicated coach can help you overcome challenges such as phone anxiety.
Many people dislike making or receiving phone calls. That isn’t the same as experiencing anxiety about it.
Sample Hierarchy for Overcoming Telephone Fear
Below is an example hierarchy for someone who gets nervous interacting over the phone:
• Calling a number that you know will only have a recorded message, like a customer service line
• Calling a family member or friend that you know well
• Calling a business and asking a straightforward question, such as when they close
• Calling someone that you don't know well with a simple question
• Calling someone that you don't know well about a complicated issue
• Making each of the previous types of calls in front of one person
• Making each of the previous types of calls in front of a group of people
TIPS ON HOW TO COPE OVER THE PHONE.
• Smile. Before making and receiving calls, put a smile on your face. This may sound silly, but it helps you to relax and conveys a sense of pleasantness to the person you're speaking with. Physically smiling puts you at ease and makes you feel happier. Using your own facial expressions and body language, you can pretend you’re face-to-face with the person on the other end of the phone. This might feel better than standing stiffly or keeping a straight face.
• Reward yourself. After making difficult calls, reward yourself by spending some time doing something that you enjoy. For those with phone anxiety, getting through a conversation is a big deal. Pat yourself on the back! Do something you enjoy to unwind or partake in self-care. Personal growth is always worth celebrating.
• Visualize success. Imagine a positive conversation and feeling good afterward.
• Ascertain availability. If you are concerned about interrupting someone when you call, ask whether you are catching the person at a bad time. If the person is in the middle of something, this gives him the chance to offer to call you back.
• Don't overthink it. If someone says "no" or turns down a request, realize that it could be for many reasons that have nothing to do with you. Try not to read too much into someone else's actions. Anxious people tend to overthink things. If someone says something you don’t expect, it doesn’t mean they’re upset with you. Because we’re missing those nonverbal signals that can help identify how they’re truly feeling, don’t read too much into what they’re saying. Finish the conversation, hang up, and move on to another task.
This also applies to the moment before a call. Preparing what you want to say is a great strategy, but don’t overthink it. Conversations always have the potential to veer off in a different direction. Be open and curious. Go with the flow and keep your notes nearby.
• Prepare. Do a bit of preparation before making a call, but don't go overboard. Know generally what you are going to say, but try to anticipate that the conversation may not go exactly as you have planned. If there are important points that you need to bring up, make sure to write those down and keep them handy.
• Let it go to voicemail. Realize that you don't always have to answer the phone. If someone is calling you at a bad time, or if you are too anxious to talk, it is acceptable to let calls go to voicemail from time to time.
Remember, you don’t always have to answer the phone. Life is busy. Chances are, they’ll call back later.
• Try another communication method. The phone may not always be the best method of communication. If you want to have a digital record of your conversation or if you want to give the other person time to reflect before responding, email may be the better choice. However, if you need to discuss something emotional or the topic is complex, a phone call or face-to-face meeting may be best.
More Tips on how to overcome phone anxiety
There’s no time like the present to tackle what scares us. Here are five tips to help you overcome those dreaded phone calls:
1. Pick up the phone
This may seem too obvious, but really, this is where it all starts. You can’t overcome your fear if you don’t pick up the phone and subject yourself to exposure therapy. The more frequently you participate in phone calls, the more at ease you’ll feel.
2. Come to Terms with What Can Go Wrong
Let’s get this out of the way first: You will mess up.
Now read that again.
Don’t worry, it’s okay to make mistakes, get tongue-tied, and fall flat on your face. It’s also important to come to terms with your worries, so begin by identifying what you’re most afraid of.
Stuttering?
Losing your train of thought?
Sounding like a fool?
Getting rejected?
Whatever it is, the sooner you can pinpoint it, the sooner you can address it. Once you’ve addressed the things you’re afraid of going wrong, you can shift your focus on how to avoid those things.
3. Be Curious About the Other Person
Whether you’re making a sales call or trying to get a new client on the hook, the goal is to create a relationship with the person on the other end of the line. Therefore, you must get to know them.
The truth is, most people really enjoy talking about themselves. So, rather than focusing on your own paranoia, focus on what you can learn from the other person without the nonverbal cues you’d pick up on during a face to face conversation. Ask them questions about their day, or themselves. Not only will creating a good business relationship help put you at ease, but it’s also good form in terms of best practices for customer relations and sales.
4. Create a Script and Rehearse It
Remember how we mentioned to jot down your answers as a reference point? Well, it’s time to expand on that. Create a script in bullet-point form that includes the key points you want to hit during the phone conversation.
For example, you might want to include:
• A brief introduction
• Your questions for the other person (i.e., tell me about your role, what are your daily obstacles?)
• Your solution to their problem
• Your wrap-up/schedule a meeting
Of course, you want to have a natural flow in the conversation—reading your notes word from word and sounding rehearsed won’t exactly win anybody over. That’s why it’s important to rehearse your script and only use it as a reference point in case you get stuck. You could even try practicing with a coworker, friend, or recording yourself with your phone
• Get to the bottom of your fears. The only way to truly conquer your phone anxiety is to figure out what’s causing it. Question what’s at the bottom of your fear of talking on the phone: Are you worried about saying something embarrassing? Do you fear rejection?
• Take a moment to really notice the thoughts that go through your head before you make a phone call. Notice what kinds of things you are telling yourself. [1]
Challenge your self-talk. After gaining some insight into what’s driving your fear, try to change them. You can do this by modifying what you’re telling yourself about talking on the phone. For example, you might be telling yourself that you’ll say something stupid or embarrassing.[2]
• If this is the case, try to think about times when you have made a phone call and you didn’t say anything embarrassing. Now, reframe your self-talk by saying something like, "I have made several phone calls without embarrassing myself. I am capable of having a successful telephone conversation."
Work with a therapist. A chronic fear of making telephone calls may be an indicator of a deeper issue, such as social anxiety. By seeing an experienced anxiety therapist, you can identify the underlying problem and develop skills to overcome it.
• For example, treatment for social anxiety may include cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques, exposure therapy, and social skills training. These techniques may help you identify anxious thought patterns, learn to face your fears, and develop helpful strategies for managing social situations.[3]
• Decide when you want to make your calls. You can spread out your calls or make them all in one day, depending on what works best for you. Sometimes limiting yourself to one or two calls per day can relieve some of the pressure. Determining the best time of day for you to call is also important. Make phone calls when you feel your best.
• For example, maybe you feel more confident and fresh in the morning or right after an exercise routine. Plan to make calls then.
Set goals for the phone call. Consider the purpose of your call and prepare so that you're able to easily accomplish that goal. This will help lower your anxiety.
• If you need to make a call to find out information, make a list of questions you want to ask.
• If you need to communicate news to a friend or colleague, write down what you need to tell them.
Rather than worrying about what can go wrong or what the other person is thinking, focus on the goal of the call.
What are you trying to accomplish with this call?
How will you make this call productive?
What are you trying to gain from the other person? What are they trying to gain from you?
How will you communicate your needs? What about their needs?
Ask yourself these questions before making your next call. Write down the answers so that you can scan through them during the call as a reference point. This will help you focus on the purpose of the call rather than what you’re going to say or how you will be received.
Start with less distressing calls. Do you find yourself feeling more confident during some phone calls and less confident during others? If so, it may help to build your confidence by starting with phone calls that don’t cause so much anxiety.
• For example, if you need to make three phone calls—to a friend, to a colleague, and to make a reservation—rank the level of anxiety you feel with each one. Then, start with the least anxiety-provoking, like to a friend. Make that call first to get some good vibes. Then, move to the next one and so on.
Role-play beforehand. Sometimes phone calls cause anxiety because of the context of the call. In these situations, it may help relieve anxiety to role-play with a friend or family member ahead of time. That way, this person can help you desensitize before the real call and give you feedback about your performance.[4]
• For example, before a telephone job interview, you might do a "mock interview" with a friend. Have them ask you questions. Then, you can provide thoughtful answers as if it were the real deal. Ask for feedback after the "interview" is over so that you can make improvements.
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