Personal Boundaries

We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. In this way we learn our right to respect, honour, protect and defend ourselves. Ask for what you need.

Furthermore, it is our duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.

It is important to state feelings out loud, and to precede the feeling with "I feel."

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Be aware though that it is often the relationships that mean the most to us (family and romantic) that are the most difficult.

We are terrified of setting boundaries for fear everyone will leave. (Either that or we throw up huge walls to try to keep people from getting too close!)

Before setting boundaries we need to know what healthy behaviour is! We need to learn how to be emotionally honest with ourselves, how to own our own feelings (other people are not responsible for your feelings), and how to communicate in a direct and responsible manner. Communication is the key!

The first things that we need to learn to do is communicate without blaming. Stop saying things like "you make me so angry," "you hurt me so much."

We often unconsciously try to manipulate people - by behaving in a certain way to try to make them like you, or possibly trying to be intimidating or invisible if that seems the safest course. There may be behaviour in which we have engaged that we feel ashamed of, but that does not makes us bad people.

Our behaviour has been dictated by our past wounds. To be wounded is to be human.

Formula for emotionally honest communication:

"When you...... I feel.............. I want.............. Since I am powerless over you, I will take this action to protect myself if you behave in this way."

The "when you...." statement is a description of the behaviour of the other person. This is very important. DESCRIBE THE BEHAVIOUR - NOT YOUR ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT WHAT IT MEANS.

For example we could say "When you look at me with a frown on your face and your eye slightly raised and give a loud sigh then......"

The reason we do this is because usually when we confront behaviour the other person will profess ignorance. That's why you need to properly describe it so that they become consciously aware of it (if they are not already.)

We are still powerless over them of course - over whether they understand what we are saying. But in learning to communicate in a healthy way, without blame and shame, we are maximising the possibility of communication!

The "I feel...." part of the formula is where we express our emotions in a healthy and honest way.

Here are some examples:

"When your voice gets loud and your face gets red and you clench your fists........

I feel scared, intimidated and unsafe. I feel that you are going to hit me like my father used to."

"When I try to talk to you while you are watching telly and I have to say your name 3 times before you respond...... I feel frustrated, hurt, unimportant, insignificant and invisible. I feel that you do not want to communicate with me."

So it is important to say your feelings out loud, and to precede the feeling with "I feel...." By stating the feelings out loud we are affirming that we have a right to those feelings. We are affirming it to ourselves. Whether the other person can hear us and understand is not as important as hearing ourselves. It is vitally important to own your own voice and to own your right to speak up for yourself.

A curious fact : Often someone that comes from a loud, expressive family will have a relationship with someone that comes from a very emotionally repressed family. Me and Jenny!

The "I want....." part is pretty self explanatory. Be specific. Things like "I want to know if I am important to you," or "I want to know that you love me." are not specific enough.

Here are some examples:

"I want.... you to answer me when I talk to you."

"I want.... you to tell me you love me and show me with funny little messages, or making plans for us to have a date."

"I want...you to ask me how my day went and really listen to my answer."

Without setting boundaries we will never escape the enmeshment of codependence.

You might have thought that boundaries had to be rigid and final and somehow fatal. Some boundaries need to be final (such as "It is never OK to hit me," or "It is not acceptable to call me stupid," or "It is unacceptable to ever cheat on me.") but most are not like that.

Of course no one deserves to be treated abusively, lied to or betrayed. An example of a very rigid boundary would be :

"If you ever hit me, I will call the police and press charges - and I will leave this relationship. If you continue to threaten me, I will get a restraining order and prepare to defend myself in whatever way necessary."

We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity and you can start by respecting yourself. If we do not respect ourselves then we will end up being in relationships with people who abuse us. Or we may even end up abusing people ourselves.

Consequences

It is very important to set consequences that you will enforce. To set boundaries and not enforce them just gives the other person an excuse to continue in the same old behaviour.

Here are some examples:

"If you verbally abuse me by calling me names like stupid or idiot, I will confront you about my feelings."

"If you continue (whatever behaviour that's unacceptable) I will leave the room/house/ask you to leave."

"If you keep repeating this behaviour I will consider my options, including leaving this relationship."

"If you break your plans with me by not showing up or calling me at the last minute, I will confront your behaviour and share my feelings."

To a friend SIMON : "If you repeat (insert behaviour), I will consider to to mean that you do not value or deserve my friendship and I will have no contact with you for a month."

Unless the behaviour is completely unacceptable it is fine to allow the other person some wiggle room to make a change in their behaviour. Give them a fighting chance! It is helpful to set boundaries that allow for some gradual change.

Here is a detailed example: "When I ask you what is wrong and you say "Never mind," or "Nothing," and then start slamming various doors (or similar) and generally seem to be silently raging about something, I feel frustrated, irritated and hopeless, as if you are unwilling to communicate with me. I am not a mind reader.

I want you to communicate with me and help me to understand what it is that is upsetting you. If you do not tell me, I will confront you about your behaviour and share my feelings/ insist that we go to counseling together/ consider all my options (including leaving this relationship)."

Bear in mind that the consequences should be realistic , congruent and enforceable.

It is also important to set consequences that impact the other person more than us! For example, if you ground your teenage child for a month, you are effectively grounded too.

Choices:

Setting a boundary is not making a threat. It is a consequence of the other person's behaviour already.

Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control the other person (although you could be directly accused of that.) It is just about taking responsibility for our self and our life.

Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is : When we set a boundary we let go of the outcome.

It is essential to own our choices otherwise we encourage victimization. We need to escape the codependent suffering victim martyr role.

When we look outside for our choices, we are giving power away and setting ourselves up as victims.

Consider how often you have said, or heard someone say, "I have to go to work tomorrow." When we say "I have to...." we are making a victim statement. To say "I have to get up early and go to work," is a lie. No one forces an adult to get up and go to work. We must take the "have to's" out of our vocabulary.

The truth is "I choose to get up and go to work today, because I choose to not have the consequences of not working." It is empowering to say it this way.

Choose to see things that feel like, and seem to be, tragic as opportunities for growth. We always have a choice. The choices may seem to be awful - but in reality, allowing ourselves to feel trapped will have much worse consequences.

Negotiation

We set a boundary to protect our space - physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, financial, etc. If the other person is not willing to change their behaviour then we need to take action. That action may involve cutting that person out of your life completely.

You have to be willing to take the risk (LET GO OF THE OUTCOME) that people will leave if you set a boundary. It is more important to stand up for yourself. Some people will, in fact, go away. But you will be amazed to see that some people will immediately treat you with more respect and change their behaviour.

If you don't speak up then one day you will either blow up or start being passive/aggressive.

You may lose people that you considered friends. Maybe they were not really friends at all. Maybe the people that you attracted were people who would abuse you, shame you, abandon or betray you.

You will come to realise that a true friend (or partner) is someone you can communicate with - and be able to negotiate boundaries with. The vast majority of boundaries are in fact a negotiation rather than a rigid like in the sand. Adults need to negotiate boundaries between themselves : "Here is what I am willing to do, and here is what I need from you."

What we are striving for is healthy interdependent relationships. Friends who are allies.

WE WANT A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL SHARE OUR JOURNEY WITH US. SO COMMUNICATE, SHARE FEELINGS AND NEGOTIATE AGREEMENTS ABOUT BEHAVIOUR. BY SETTING BOUNDARIES YOU ARE COMMUNICATING! WE ARE TELLING THEM WHO ARE ARE AND WHAT WE NEED.

DON'T EXPECT PEOPLE TO BE ABLE TO READ YOUR MIND, AND THEN PUNISH THEM IF THEY DON'T.

SET BOUNDARIES ABOUT IRRITATING LITTLE BEHAVIOURS OR MANNERISMS BECAUSE OTHERWISE THEY WILL GROW INTO HUGE MONSTERS. DON'T SHOVE BABY MONSTERS UNDER THE CARPET!