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Straight off this is a great book that I have dipped into from time to time over many years. Plenty of helpful stuff that I have used, and plenty of stuff I wish I had figured out how to incorporate into family life but didn't quite manage to.
Therefore this review is also to help me remember the useful bits, so I apologise if it might be a bit staccato.
Options for Helping Children Deal with their Feelings (Children need to have their feelings accepted and respected):
(1) Listen attentively.
(2) Acknowledge their words with encouraging noises. When she's upset, don't minimise her distress ("There's nothing to be upset about.")
(3) Give their feeling a name : "That sounds frustrating!", "I see something is making you sad."."Those are rough feelings to have."
(4) Give your child her wishes in fantasy : "I wish I could make that banana ripe for you now!"
(5) Don't say "WHY do you feel like that?" - Many children don't know why they feel that way. This question will give them a headache!
(6) Ask them to try and draw their feelings.
The more you try to push a child's unhappy feelings away, the more she becomes stuck on them. The more you accept them, the easier for kids to let go of them!
If you need your Children to Co-Operate or to Behave in a Better Way. e.g. clean up after themselves, stop shouting, brush teeth, get dressed, finish their food, be respectful, do their homework, think about others...
(1) Describe what you see or describe the problem.
(2) Give Information (this also teaches your child something she can use later in life). e.g. "Walls are not for writing on. Paper is for writing on." , "I see a wet towel on the bed". "We need to brush teeth to keep them pretty and white." , "Choose something from the book of outdoor activities and we will do it together." , "I see dirty hands!" , "I see green paint on the carpet!"
(3) Say it with a word. "TEETH!" . "TOWEL!", "BED!"
(4) Talk about your feelings. "I don't like having a wet patch on the bed"
(5) Write a note. On your bedroom door : "Shhhhh!!!! Mummy and Daddy are sleeping/ Hi! Come on in! Love, Mummy and Daddy.", "Toys away after play", "Hang up wet things to get dry!" , "NOTICE : STORY TIME AT 19.30. ALL CHILDREN IN PYJAMAS WITH BRUSHED TEETH ARE INVITED. LOVE FROM MUMMY AND DADDY".
(6) Don't use your child's name as a one-word statement. When a child hears a her voice said in a disappointed way many times, she begins to associate her name with disapproval.
(7) Don't label your child. "You are so stubborn...obstinate...inflexible...inflexible....disrespectful..." Those labels may stay with your child and they may believe them to be true forever.
What's wrong with sometimes saying PLEASE to your child:
When we're really upset, a gentle 'please' won't work! If you want something done immediately, it's a good idea to speak forcefully rather than to weakly plead. "Sofas are not for jumping on!" is better than "Please darling, don't jump on the sofa".
When you have to ask your child 10 times to do something:
After the second time you have asked them and they continue to ignore speak directly to them : "Would you tell me what I have just said?" This should sort out the issue.
Punishment (to punish or not to punish):
Punishment could lead to hatred, revenge, defiance and unworthiness. By punishing a child we actually deprive her of the very important inner process of facing her own misbehaviour. A child should experience consequences of misbehaviour, but not punishment.
(1) Express your disapproval as a parent.
(2) State your expectations. "I expect you to return stuff that you borrow!"
(3) Show the child how to make amends. "I am not interested in who did it. I am interested in seeing improvement in the future." Make the child think how he can make amends too.
(4) Give a choice. "Don't run in the supermarket. Do you want to walk or sit in the trolley?"
(5) Take action. "I am locking my tool box because I need to know where they are at all times."
(6) Allow the child to experience the consequences of his behaviour. "You tell me why you can't go to the party tonight."
(7) Some children use "I'm sorry." as a quick and easy way out. You should reply by saying "Sorry means behaving differently. Sorry means making changes."
Let us finish with this quote : "Punishment is a very ineffective method of discipline.... for punishment, strangely enough, often has the effect of teaching the child to behave in exactly the opposite way from the way we want him to behave! Many parents use punishment because no one has ever taught them better ways of disciplining their children"
Dr. Fitzhugh Dodson (1974)
Problem-Solving Steps to Take:
(1) Talk about what your child needs and feels about it. (We have to stop thinking of the child as a 'problem' that needs correction.) Do not permit the child to blame or accuse YOU at any point. Be firm when this happens "No accusations about the past. We are trying to focus on a solution for the future!"
(2) Talk about your own feelings and needs.
(3) Brainstorm to find a mutually agreeable solution. "Let's put our heads together and come up with some ideas."
(4) Write down all ideas - without being critical. (Adults don't always have the best ideas!)
(5) Decide which suggestions you like - and which you don't
(6) Pick one to follow through on.
Helping your child become autonomous:
(1) Don't rush to answer questions. "That's an interesting question. What do you think? Why do you think that happens?
(2) Give your child a choice. Instead of saying "Time for your bath now", say "Would you like a bath or a shower tonight?"
(3) Don't ask too many questions. "What was the best thing about school today?" is enough.
(4) Are there many things that you've been doing for your child that your child might start doing for herself. YES. GUILTY! You need to shift some responsibility to your child. But saying "You're a big girl now" does not usually get a good response.
(5) Show respect for your child's struggle. If your child is struggling with ANYTHING the best response is "sometimes it helps if..."
(6) NEVER talk about your child in front of her at ANY age. When children hear themselves discussed they feel like objects.
(7) When your 3 year old refuses to get dressed and wants you to do it : Put his underwear on his head and his socks on his hands. He will do it correctly then! Act innocent :)
Praise:
(1) Praise should not be given in a patronising way. "I am so proud of you!" Rather "Seems to me you're putting extra effort into your school work these days. Your assignments are done ahead of time". "It's a pleasure to walk into this bedroom!" , "What an achievement on your exam. You must be very proud of yourself."
(2) Tell your child something about herself that she may not have known before - to give her a new verbal snapshot of herself. "Determined", "Flexible", "Resourceful", "Adaptable", "Loyal" , "Brave" , "Calm" , "Friendly" , "Organised".
(3) The right kind of praise invites good behaviour and a great outpouring of effort. Do not overuse it!
(4) Point out what a child did RIGHT, not what he did WRONG. Never underestimate the power of your words upon a young person's life.
(5) Do not give out physical rewards or gifts. They will only give short term pleasure. Kind words will give good feelings that will last much longer.
Overall rating 4 out of 5 stars.
The only downside to this book is that I feel it considers our kids to be innocent and blame free in most situations, and that it is the parents who are doing things incorrectly. However that is not always the case. Children (once they reach a certain age) can lie and manipulate, even steal from their family and be disrespectful in many ways. Not enough, in fact hardly any of the book, is devoted to these more difficult issues. That's why I didn't give it 5 stars.
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